God’s servants sometimes wish for death. The pressure of ministry gets so heavy that they prefer to check out rather than continue their course. In light of our strong survival instinct, this attitude is remarkable. Most of the time, we’d do almost anything to stay alive, so what drives spiritual leaders to call it quits, not only on ministry, but on life itself?
The Bible gives us two examples of this phenomenon: Moses and Paul.
Moses
“Moses heard the people of every family wailing at the entrance to their tents. The LORD became exceedingly angry, and Moses was troubled. 11He asked the LORD, ‘Why have you brought this trouble on your servant? What have I done to displease you that you put the burden of all these people on me? 12Did I conceive all these people? Did I give them birth? Why do you tell me to carry them in my arms, as a nurse carries an infant, to the land you promised on oath to their ancestors? 13Where can I get meat for all these people? They keep wailing to me, “Give us meat to eat!” 14I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me. 15If this is how you are going to treat me, please go ahead and kill me–if I have found favor in your eyes–and do not let me face my own ruin.’” – Numbers 11:10-15
After freeing the Israelites from Egyptian slavery, God provided a special grain called manna to feed the people as they traveled through the desert. At first, they rejoiced over regular nourishment, but soon they grew bored with manna and began griping to God and Moses about wanting meat.
Their complaints irritated the Lord which stressed Moses, so he prayed about the situation. But his was no prayer of rock-solid faith. Consisting of six questions and three statements, Moses’ prayer contained a lot of complaining!
His basic grievance boiled down to the matter of responsibility. Moses had to shoulder the burdens that he himself didn’t create. He had obeyed the Lord’s command to go to Egypt, confront Pharaoh, perform signs, and deliver Israel. He accomplished all that and was now guiding the people through the wilderness. But in Moses’ opinion, the nation of Israel wasn’t his obligation; it was God’s.
And because Moses felt like he was failing, he wanted to end it all. He wasn’t planning to commit suicide; instead, he invited God to take his life. Same result!
Did Moses overreact? 40 years earlier, he’d tried to deliver an Israelite from Egyptian oppression but that didn’t work out too well (Acts 7:23-29). Yet this time sure looked different! He’d succeeded with miracles, or at least he did in the beginning. But was Moses worried that it was all falling apart in the wilderness?
He was now 80 years old and had enjoyed the heights of political power and experienced the depths of obscurity. Self-assurance had been drained out of him; Moses was now regarded as the humblest man on earth (Numbers 12:3). So it’s not surprising if he didn’t feel up to the task at hand.
Paul
“I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, 26so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me.” – Philippians 1:20-26
The Roman government had taken Paul into custody and he was getting ready to stand trial before the Emperor, as was his right as a citizen. Under house arrest, he had more freedom than a typical prisoner, but he still faced significant restrictions.
And he didn’t know how his trial would turn out. The Emperor could exonerate him of any wrongdoing or he could execute the apostle. Which way would Paul’s future go?
At first, he wasn’t certain; he only wanted to conduct himself during his trial in a way that glorified Jesus. It would take courage–the temptation to compromise the gospel to save his own skin would be intense. But Paul wouldn’t sell out. He’d either live for Jesus or die and join Him in heaven. Given this choice, Paul preferred death which would enable him to revel in the presence of Christ. The apostle had suffered quite a bit for the Lord (2 Corinthians 11:16-33); maybe he’d had enough.
But there was one problem. Who’d look out for the Philippians? Paul loved those Christians and he knew that soon they would face trials like his. Would they be ready? He realized that he needed to prepare them. So while death was Paul’s preferred outcome, his sense of duty gave him confidence that he’d survive his encounter with Caesar.
Application
For Moses and Paul, the central issue they struggled with was responsibility. Moses felt the burden of putting up with dissatisfied Israelites and Paul had suffered so much for the cause of Christ that he viewed his trial as a ticket home. But he worried about the capacity of the Philippian Christians to endure persecution in his absence.
Moses believed God was obliged to take care of the Israelites and Paul behaved as though he were responsible for the spiritual stability of the Philippian church.
They both have a point. Moses was correct to remind God that by himself, he couldn’t give the Israelites what they needed. The God who delivered them by miracles in Egypt would have to sustain them by miracles in the wilderness.
Paul was right in his desire to leave his troubles behind and see the face of Jesus. But he knew how tempting it can be to deny the gospel when persecuted, and he didn’t want the Philippians to fall short. So he decided that it would be best for him to stay. He prioritized fellow Christians over himself.
And that’s something we can strive for, isn’t it? Our tests may not be as dramatic as those Moses and Paul went through, but we can follow the advice that Paul exemplified:
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.” – Philippians 2:3
And while Moses can be faulted for blaming God, we must remember that the Lord answered his prayer (Numbers 11:16-23). So there’s hope for us! Even when we complain, the Lord loves us and can deal with us. We need only be honest with Him.
That’s what being a disciple of Jesus is all about.
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